Sunday, August 3, 2014

How To Talk About Disability With Your Date

Clearly, if you are using a disabled matchmaking service like dating for disabled, your expectation from the relationship is to date someone else with a disability. Clearly, you are not going to need to "disclose" the face that you have a disability with them. But just because you both have a disability or medical condition, does not mean you necessarily have the same kind, or for that matter want to talk about it. Just because you met on a disabled dating site does not mean this is a topic of conversation that is necessarily on the table. The other side of this, is of course, that your date may have a strong aversion to talking about their disability with you. So despite the fact that everything is on the table, as far as you both know about the situation, it is still a topic of conversation that should be approached with some degree of care, caution and tact. 

1. Let your date know off the bat what you are and aren't comfortable talking about. This doesn't need to be an awkward conversation, just put it out there what topics are off the table until such a time that you feel comfortable enough with them to talk about it. If you are in a wheelchair or paralyzed after a car accident, if you have a medical condition that has symptoms you aren't comfortable discussing, let them know politely that that is the case. Don't expect them to guess what you won't talk about.

2. If you bring it up: ask them if it's a topic they are happy to discuss, and if not, drop it! They will talk about it. if and when they are ready to do so.

3. When you both feel ready to have that conversation (it may be online, it may be on your first date, and it may be further on in the relationship). Whenever it may be, it is a subject that's important to talk about. You should get to know these thing about one another, and talk about those things that shaped your personality and who you are. One of the reasons people with disabilities sometimes prefer to date other people who also have a disability, is because they will understand. Having that kind of person to talk to and lean on is the foundation of any good relationship.

4. Be sensitive and understanding- don't forget that all experiences are subjective, and should be treated as such. Some things in life may have been easier for you to deal with than for them.
Same goes for comparison- don't compare yourself to them, don't try and compare who had a harder/better time of things. Just accept them for who they are and support them for it.

5. Take the time to talk about these things with the person you are dating- especially if their health related issues that can effect the relationship. Or in general things you think they should know. If there are things you can't do and it effects them then you should give them a heads up about it.

6.  Be supportive and let them know they can be open about these things with you- make it a safe space for them to talk about their medical issues and disability with that. The more approachable you are, the more likely that they will bring these

Monday, July 28, 2014

Date a Person For Who They Are- Not Who They Can Be

One of the biggest mistakes we make when it comes to off and online dating is assuming that someone can change, or for that matter want's to change. Being human we want to believe that what we see in front of us is potential and not a "final product". There are a few dangers that stem from this kind of thinking, the first is we are unable to see and appreciate the person standing right in front of us. We are unable to recognize that what they say and do is indeed who they are, and respect that that's who they want to be. The second problem, is we delude ourselves that we can mold and shape the person we are dating into who we want them to be. This kind of thinking and assuming not only potentially harms the budding relationship, but it can also harm the person you are dating, and cause them to think they are not good enough. Finally, it harms you, because you are ignoring reality and assuming you can change it, and in tern you are wasting your own time. You are spending time with someone that you are unhappy with, hoping they will change and that will fix the relationship, and they will tern into the kind of partner you have always wanted.
When you approach other dating for disabled profiles you have to bare in mind that who they say they are, and what they are looking for in a partner is indeed true. If they clearly state that they don't want a family, or aren't looking for anything long term you have to believe them. You can't assume that you are going to change their mind. You can't look at the person you are dating through the "he's almost perfect if only..." and then try and make them so.
It all starts from the very beginning, from the first time you see their online disabled dating profile and decide if they look like someone worth messaging. It all begins with making a conscious decision only to chat to people you feel have something in common with you and are looking fro the same things as you. Chatting to them can also give you a sense of who they are and what they want from a  relationship. If right off the bat they are someone that you don't picture yourself dating, then move on. You won't like everyone you talk to, and that's perfectly OK. Don't feel guilty turning people down because they aren't what you are looking for.
Sometimes people change, they get more or less ambitious, they decide they want different things in life, they change their sense of style, and so on. But you can safely assume that you aren't going to "fix them up"; people are no apartments, or DIY projects. You have to learn to appreciate the person you are dating as who they are, and if they aren't right for you now, they are probably never going to be.

Thursday, July 24, 2014

What Not to Do On Online Dating

There are a lot of things you can do right when using an online dating service, but there are also a number of things you can do very wrong! There are things that if you would like to successfully meet another dating4disabled member you should NOT do. We put together a list of things that you should avoid doing when using an any kind of online matchmaking site:

1. Expect that other people are always going to write you back, and when they don't send them angry messages asking them why they didn't answer your message. It happens, sometimes you will send another dating for disabled member a message on the site, and they just won't write back. So don't only send one person a message and then get disappointed you didn't receive a reply, send out a few! (Just don't forget to personalize them properly, the last thing you want to do is write a template and send out 50 messages that are all the same).

2. Comment on people's physical appearance or disability. Don't make remarks about how pretty/attractive another dating4disabled member is, because you are much less likely to have them reply. Steer clear about small talk that involves disability, until you have gotten to know them a little better. At that point, you will know what they are, and aren't comfortable talking about. Yes, everyone on the site is living with a disability, but everyone has their own comfort level about when it is or isn't OK to talk about it.

3. Be negative- this means anything from a long list of things you don't want and aren't interested in, alongside a list of people who shouldn't contact you. Sending other D4D members messages that contain negative language is a sure way of not getting any replies. Anyway you spin it, people on dating sites who use positive language to describe themselves and what they are looking for in another person, get a lot more responses to their profiles.

4. Not be part of the community- dating for disabled is a lot more than just an online dating site. As you've seen, we also have blogs and forums. A great way to meet and connect with other people is using them to share your thoughts and ideas. Participating in the community is just a great way to get noticed, and other than meet other people with disabilities to date, you can also end up making some amazing friends.  

5. Play games with people- if you're messaging back and fourth with someone don't do things like wait 4 days to message them back. Or suddenly lose interest and stop replying to their messages. That said, you probably shouldn't overwhelm them with tons of messages all at once. Find a balance that works; as times goes by, you will probably message each-other more often, but it's quite alright to ease into it. There is no right or wrong, or some sort if golden rule when it comes to the frequency of messages on an online dating site. You should go at a pace that works for the two of you.

6. Push a meet-up- just because you feel ready to meet for a first date, doesn't mean the other person is. Don't push them to meet up if they aren't quite ready. But more importantly, don't take it personally, there may be a hundred reasons why they aren't ready to go on a first date, those reasons are about them, not about you. Be patient! If you talk them into rushing into things, it may very well backfire on you.

7. Get frustrated- it takes time to get used to how a dating site works, to work out how to write a proper messages, and get your user profile just right. It also takes time to get to know some people and decide that they are right to go out with. It takes time. We sometimes think that we will sign up for an online dating site, and like everything else online it will be instantaneous. But that isn't the case, if you're not looking for casual encounters, and want to meet someone else to build a serious relationship with, these things don't just happen overnight- you have to invest time and energy in them.

8. Be sleazy or a cliche- avoid bad pickup lines when you write to people, avoid using silly cliches in the about me section of your profile (everyone loves to laugh and smile!). Be original, and be yourself! People are just much less likely to respond to pickup lines and silly cliches, so don't use them!

Good luck!

Thursday, July 17, 2014

How Not to Get Bitter About Online Dating

Look, online dating isn't a magical solution, you have to work hard, and it takes time to find someone you can see yourself having a serious relationship with. That said, the biggest pitfall you will encounter with online dating is losing patience and giving up on the whole thing. Here are some great ideas on how to not get fed up and subsequently give up. Because hey, it may be a cliche, but it's very likely that there is someone on dating4disabled that you can end up meeting and falling in love with, and if you get fed up too soon, you probably won't get a chance to meet.

1. Don't go on dates for the sake of going on dates: just because someone asked doesn't mean you are in anyway obligated to go out with them. If you don't feel you are forming any kind of connection then either give it a little more time before meeting, or don't go out with them at all. There is nothing that will depress you more than going on a bunch of bad dates! So don't do it, just say no to people you don't feel like you have any chemistry with.

2. Don't wait too long before going on a date with another online dating site member: you shouldn't meet up with someone before you feel comfortable (and always remember, with online dating, safety first). But if you wait for months before going on a first date, you may end up building it up in your head way too much. They may tern out to be not at all like their online persona. Or you may find you have no chemistry at all with them (they may also be the most wonderful person you have ever met). But if they don't turn out to be the one for you, especially after months of expectations, it may cause you to resent online dating, and even give up on going out with anyone.

3. Don't put all of your eggs in one basket: the point of using a disabled matchmaking service is that you can chat to a few people who you liked the look of their profile. Don't only message one person, message a dozen! They may have forgotten to shut down their profile, they may not be interested, & they may have already met someone, you never know. So don't only send out one or two messages and then give up on the whole thing, because you may end up missing out on something truly awesome.

4. Don't go out with people who are only looking for a bit of fun or casual encounters: just don't message people or message them back if you're looking for a proper relationship. If what you want is someone for a long term relationship, and they don't, that's their right so long as they were upfront about it. If you arrange to meet up with someone who isn't really looking to date, you're wasting their time, and more importantly, yours.

5. Remember that no one has to go out with you: if you message another dating for disabled member and they don't write back, don't bother sending them an angry follow-up message. If someone is unable, or too rude to reply to a message then move on. Even if you really liked their profile/profile picture, there is someone out there who is more suited to you.

6. Complain to a friend: confide in a friend about the whole process. Don't be embarrassed to say you're using an online matchmaking service, everyone does. Having someone to share the process with will make good dates a lot more fun, and bad ones a lot more tolerable.

Good luck! -Admin D4D

Tuesday, July 8, 2014

How to Make a Good First Impression on a First Date

One of the things we worry about most on a first date is making a good first impression. Sometime because we really like the person, or because we made a great connection with them while chatting on dating for disabled. Whatever the reason, as people we always like to leave a good first impression, and even more-so when it comes to a first date. Here are some things to think about before, and during the date:

1. Show up on time- being late to a first date sends the messages that your time is more valuable than theirs. Make sure to get there on time, and if for some reason you are running late, make sure to call them up and properly apologize for it.

2. Dress nicely- you don't have to go out and buy new clothes, but make the effort to look presentable. It shows your date that you care about impressing them.

3. Listen and be genuinely interested in what they have to say. Recall things they said from conversations you had with them online. Showing that you listen and care is a sure way to win over your date.

4. Relax and smile- not like a maniac, but enough to put your date at ease. When you were messaging back and forth on dating4disabled it was much harder to convey tone and body language, so now that you are face to face, make sure to alleviate the tension by smiling.

5. Be funny- not in a forced sort of way, but showing off your charming sense of humor is a wonderful way to break the ice.

6. Flirt! If you genuinely started to make a connection on a matchmaking site, and then arranged to meet up for a date, there is probably already some chemistry there- so why not build on it?

7. Don't be too pushy- you may have been talking for ages, but it's still your first date. so don't come with too many expectations. Don't expect physical contact, and don't expect to be invited back afterwords. Take things slowly, and see where they go. It's only a first date, and there is no reason to get ahead of yourself.

8. Always offer to at least split the check (either that, or cover the whole thing)- yes, even if they offered to pay, you should at least make the symbolic gesture of pulling your wallet out; the nicest way of accepting is going "thanks!I'll get the next one". Also, if you offered to cover the check, do it graciously.

9. If asked where to go, never suggest anywhere expensive- even if you can afford it, you don't know what your date's income is, or if they are living off disability, so choose a reasonably priced coffee shop to sit in.

10. don't get intoxicated- alcohol is not a good way to go, also for online dating safety reasons, and also, because you don't want to get sloppy and act silly.

11. Be genuinely nice and kind- this may seem obvious, but unfortunately it isn't. Even if they weren't what you expected, even if they don't look like their online dating profile picture, even if there is no chemistry, and even if thee date doesn't go well. Just because you don't see a future past this first date, doesn't mean that you should scare them off online dating sites, and dating in general. Sometimes, first dates just don't work out, that's dating. But try and be as nice as possible about the whole thing, because they will go on to date other people, and you don't want to scar them, or put them off dating.

12. Get out of your own head- if they don't like you it wasn't meant to be, but if you keep constantly worrying about whether or not you're making a good first impression, you will just end up acting flustered and nervous. Relax, enjoy the company of this other person, and hopefully it will work out. But if you are unable to enjoy yourself it will show.

Thursday, July 3, 2014

On the 4th of July Dating4Disabled Will Be Opening Its Doors!

Hey dating4disabled members! In honor of the 4th of July all Dating for disabled members will be able to send and receive as many messages as they like.
From MONDAY THE 7TH of JULY, 8am (east coast time), until Tuesday the 8th-8am (east coast time), you can log-onto dating4disabled and read your messages with no limitations.
Even if you live in another country this is open to you (just make sure to check the time difference so you don't get the window wrong). You don't need to sign up for this anywhere or win anything- this is open to everyone so long as you have and active disabled dating profile. If you don't, now would be a great opportunity to register for the site (juts click here to do that).
Don't miss out on this one off amazing opportunity, and make sure you are around on the 7th!
If you have any questions about this, feel free to email us at: